For so long I’ve wished for, sometimes hissed under my breath for
and even yelled too loud for
you to get away from me…
Seeing that typed in black and white just made me pause painfully.
Because now you are.
Away from me, more than you are with me.
I am so happy that you are happy, happy to say both hello and goodbye
But if I was to say that I am happy, right now that would be a lie.
I feel guilt.
I feel regret.
I feel inadequate.
I am sorry I didn’t learn to hold space for you better.
I wish I could take back the times I couldn’t hold it together.
Usually when Daddy takes you out to give me this rest, I feel glad.
But this morning, I have to confess, I feel really sad.
Your voice sounded different today, further away,
Way less push back, way more grown up.
I wanted to call out for you to come in and give me a cuddle
But I didn’t.
I thought maybe I will come out and bring you in
But I didn’t.
Daddy told me last night how much he loves his Saturday mornings with you guys, taking you out to ride and play and spend time with his family.
So I let you be.
I am so proud of you.
But, wow, I do miss you.
Crazy how needs change so quickly after they’re met.
It’s not even the start of Week 2 yet
And already I feel like I’ve lost some kind of bet.
Everyone told me not to wish the time away and I listened, I did
but the sound of screaming, both theirs and mine was too loud so I did
I wished for silence and sleep and to be left alone
And now here I am, I’ve had it all, there’s no one home.
But I am still hearing crying, it’s for my memories that are dying.
(Image is part of my e-book “You must be so tired” coverart by the talented @yuki_t_illustrator)
#MyRnR #writing #poetry #processing #releasing #motherhood #earlychildhood #mumrage #mumguilt #sleepdeprivation #fatigue #selfcompassion #selfcare #selflove
Stunning!