As the thickness in my head begins to thin so does the black fog that this illness brought in.
As usual, right before I fell into bed tonight my baby woke upset and unable to be settled by his daddy who came out after trying anyway to say, “He doesn’t want me.”
But tonight, I welcomed it. The ache having left my head and the run having left my nose allowed me to fill the space with that illuminating gratitude once again.
The weight and warmth of my babies’ bodies on mine, whether in a big sleepy carry all the way to bed or a long dreamy feed all the way to sleep, is my favourite to wear.
My favourite to feel.
My favourite to hold
My favourite to have.
My favourite to love.
Even if the wait between not having them on top of me seems not long enough or the heat of their skin sticking to me is too hot to bear.
Their weight and warmth is still my favourite to wear.
That saying, ‘If I could bottle it,’
Yeah, I would, that bit,
Those sensory details of the way they breathed and moved and felt and smelt.
They’re my absolute favourite.
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The deep dive into darkness this particularly bad week of sickness and sleep deprivation has been a stark reminder of colds and winters past. Of why it’s not enough to let sleeping dogs lie and new mothers want to die.
I am familiar with the dark for I have lived there a lot, but I will not stay there, I will not.
This too does pass but that which comes afterwards does too.
Forwards and back, the seasons and cycles, they all know the dance but what we humans forget is that in our aloneness we are together. If only more of us could remember…
But maybe it’s too little sleep and too much pain that makes the want to recall wane?
So we stay still and silent and same.
I will not, I will not.
*This poem I finished writing at midnight last night, it is unpublished.
#love #motherlove #babylove #childlove #motherhood #gratitude #health
#fatigue #sleepdeprivation #earlyparenthood #nighttimeparenting #needsdontstopatnight #babies #toddlers #preschoolers
#RnR #RestNRelaxation #Rest #Relaxation #Recovery #Respite #MyRnR