I wanted to complete my share about the @mamahood.my.way Self-Care Sanctuary by talking about the sacred and magical space that women’s circles create. This divine feminine way of being, of listening, of holding…it is revealing and it is healing. Bringing comfort where there is discomfort, lightness where there is heaviness, love where there is fear, and compassion where there is none. It is kind of weird and hard to explain, if you have never experienced one. This was my second formal women’s circle, my first was with the intelligent and inspiring Sarah Cleggett of @middlegroundmotherhood. But, in another ungendered but no less personal or powerful way, my City of Onkaparinga leadership programs have started, finished and included check-ins throughout, very strategically, “in circle”, facilitated by the wise and wonderful Joanna Giannes. As these special souls had taught and showed me before, the clever and creative Queen of Self-Care, Claire Jackson, started us off with specifying that the holding part during Circle is strictly metaphorical – the ‘Circle Charter’ or code of conduct in these kinds of gatherings is true embodied empathy; there is no touching or hugging or commenting during individual sharing time; the rest of the group’s role is to simply listen. To just be there and hear and see that person; receiving and accepting them as they are in that moment, regaling the tale they need to tell or releasing the emotion they need to feel. It is not our job to stop or change any of it. It is not the time for us to wipe their tears, try to solve their problems or, even kindly, share a similar story of how we can relate to their suffering. Yes, the tissue box gets passed around but that is only a gentle offering, if or when that person wants it. It is hard. Listening only. Only listening. It is hard. For (most of) the listeners. For the speakers…well, for me, it is easy and comes so naturally. I desperately desire this deep listening inside a safe container such as this. I think it is why I love groups and classes and community so much. That need for expression, connection and to be understood – to belong – is visceral for me. What I find upsets me the most and the fastest is being ignored. So to have this time devoted to me being listened to is cathartic; it feels like the whole room is hugging me with their hearts. Like the universe does love me and I am worthy of that love. Deep and kinda cheesy, yes. Embarrassing? Yes and no. The shame is part of the share and the catching of it is part of the letting go. It is all D&M’s and depressingly down and out? No! It is also hilariously funny, joyfully silly and inner-childishly playful.
How can you get a hit without needing to be in, book or buy these? Your female friendships. The ones you can’t get enough of and feel easy and honest. Make time to be with them. Regularly. Not only with children but also, and especially, without them so you can have those uninterrupted conversations (finished thoughts – what a treat!) and uninhibited displays of emotion and really sweary, I mean all the explicits and expletives, XXX/ R-rated talk!
Exhibit A: Going to dinner (+ a drink + driveway chats – we never want to part) last weekend with two of my favourites gave me even greater lows and highs that allowed me to move the emotions that were weighing me down and brought back the laugh to my belly. They make me like Me again and love my husband and children even more. The gratitude and general satisfaction with life on the other side of these girl gang hangs is gold. Find them, feed and water them, shed your tears and shine your lights with them. Women are hardwired to tend and befriend. It is in our biology. Our brains, bodies and spirits thrive with the oxytocin – the love and trust hormone – we get from time with friends like this. For most of us mothers, we do not live in villages or multigenerational homes anymore, many of us are not even anywhere near our own families, whether by choice or circumstance, but this is the closest it gets and fuck it feels good.
P.S. No, I don’t think sister wives are, or even one wife is, for me. Well at least not full-time! LOL 😝