My Inner Autumn is here, enter raging mean mum mode, unable to mask my frustration in the school yard after my 3 year old was so badly behaved in his sister’s school assembly that me trying to manage him talking and clapping during presentations, breaking up bits of bark, pulling along screeching chairs, running around, announcing his farts, headbutting me, poking his tongue out, loudly saying, “No!”, refusing to sit, pushing the pram, resulted in me holding the boundary of him having to get strapped in right at the precious moment when my daughter had her first ever speaking role making me miss the whole fucking line that was over in seconds 😡
This was just after said toddler threw a log at his sister and friend before even going in and got told off by her teacher before I even got to him (I ran! I had already thought, “Please don’t throw it” out loud chatting to a mum as I watched on hoping he would not).
So what stories were in my head fueling that angry fire:
– This is embarrassing.
– She will think I am an irresponsible, distracted mother.
– I cannot control my kids.
– I am too soft.
– I am too hard.
– I have let my daughter down. She is right that he is always chosen before her.
– I am a bad mum.
– I can’t focus.
– I am being judged.
– They will think I am not coping.
– I look red in the face and sweaty and my hair is a mess.
– I used to work here, I am being scrutinised.
– I should put more effort into my appearance.
– I said too much.
– I didn’t say enough.
I whisper-scolded Mr 3 about how rude he was being and how embarrassed I felt and sad for his sister as I left the gym early and swiftly knowing I had just missed Miss 6’s turn in the spotlight (she volunteered to cover an absent classmate, her teacher had just shared with me via ClassDojo message) and my shame became his shame as I not-so-privately vented to my friend and SIL at the playground. Then my daughter innocently asked if she could put a snail back but forgot to mention where – at the end of the oval – so when I turned to leave with the pram and realised I couldn’t see her anymore my anxiety and stress continued to snowball and by the time I found her, my shame then became her shame too as I shouted at her in front of her friend and peers.
My shame pit pulled them in. This is what I always fear, that my shit or inability to handle it unfairly becomes theirs as well.
So after we got home from school I called my husband and told him what happened. I let Mr 3 have a disaster car nap (paid for that later), had a Milo and proper chat with Miss 6 who, it turns out, wasn’t even watching me not watching her, held my son crying for 20 minutes after he woke up, tapped out when Daddy got home, called a friend, prepared and ate dinner together with hubby, showered then went to my divine class – so glad it was my yoga night. Afterwards I thanked my friend and SIL via text which helped me to feel ok about being vulnerable in that I hope by doing so, they know they can be with me, too, if ever they feel called to do so. I don’t often think I am trying to live up to that Perfect Mother Myth but then everything goes wrong and my capacity to keep my emotions even-keeled disappears and I realise that actually I was. And I refuse to continue feeling ashamed for how I choose to parent, adult or respond to mine and my children’s feelings. I lean into the discomfort and I give myself and them compassion (as well as clear boundaries so they are safe and I am trusted), and apologise and give thanks where I think both are needed.
Fuck this work is intense. But incredibly important for my children to have a true and balanced understanding of the human experience and my inner child to be reparented and my grown up self to heal and evolve in this life.
To give myself grace and process all that hurt today, I set up a kind of goddess altar/ meditation space and followed the guided Imbolc (pagan/ Celtic traditional celebration of late winter/ preparation for Spring) ritual by Moonlit Mothers (podcast/ Instagram) which really helped me to ground, feel calm and find my footing again. I had already planned to do this today as it is the official date of this celebration for us in the southern hemisphere but housework was beckoning and my next worry about disappointing as a (house)wife threatened to take over… so I shushed that should and gifted myself this beautiful time in the sun surrendering to the inner and outer seasons and cycles. And as I set my intentions for the coming wheel of the year and let go of what is no longer serving me, even without being very sure what this is, I was booked for a job at my favourite school in my favourite philosophy mirroring everything I was revering in that moment.
“Trust the process.”
“I am a human having a human experience.”
“Ruptures are normal and expected in relationships, especially close ones. It is not about preventing or avoiding them but how we repair that matters most.”
Various quotes from various learnings of local legends who I share online and in person with anyone who will listen.
@MoonlitMothers
@EmmaHoldsworth
@CircleofSecurity
