My Weaneymoon

“I did a thing!”

I took myself on a weaneymoon. I also made that up. Yep, it’s a thing now – “a weaneymoon” is a thing you can do and I just did it.

I have so much to unpack about this. Perhaps the best place to start is the what, then I will show you my why and then, saving the best til last, I will share with you the where and who. The how is up to you (and whoever supports/ could support you).

What is a weaneymoon?

Simple definition:

A mini holiday for a breastfeeding mother to support her to wean with rest, relaxation and deep reverence.

Extended definition:

A weaneymoon is a mini holiday/ getaway/ vaycay/ staycay (as was the case for me) for a breastfeeding mother to support her to wean her nursling, or stop breastfeeding, by meeting her needs and honouring ALL her feelings about it.

What is a nursling?

A nursling is an affectionate term for any breastfeeding, also known as nursing, child encompassing all ages from newborns to older children. Mine is/ was (ooft, that past tense hurts my heart) 2 years and 5 months old as of tomorrow.

Why?

The answer to this big little question is, of course (it’s me!) best explained through poetry:

Brackets

There’s lots of things I’m (not) good at as a mum.

(Not) getting angry is one.

Getting stuck in my head is another.

I’ve been trying to stop yelling for years.

I’ve been trying to stop crying for hours.

All the time I’ve spent ruminating and worrying has cost me so much sleep.

What’s underneath this pain and grief?

Is it that I found strength and beauty in birth and breastfeeding?

Is it that without both I have neither?

Am I so sad and mad that it all could have been easier?

That other parts of mothering could have been more enjoyable too?

That if they had been maybe I would have gone on to call in another spirit baby whom I had already called Eva?

Or that my wedding band was designed around my dream of being a family of five and this ending finalises the fact there will not be another beginning?

The morning birds have started, my sleep for this last night stopped at 1:30am.

So my first day of the rest of my life without breastfeeding began yesterday. It makes no sense to have no middle. To go straight from the start to the end. But here I am.

Sore head, leaking tears and blocked nose but never again to feel milk leak or a duct block.

Let downs a thing of my past and yet so many more are about to feature in my future.

Our future.

I’m sorry my darling boy, my body is too tired. My mind too wired. I need more sleep, more energy, more space.

I know you’re not quite ready.

I know when you nodded your understanding to my ultimatum when you wouldn’t stop screaming and refused to go back to sleeping, you just wanted to say yes to me to soothe you, to stay with you, to sleep with you, but you don’t know that I’m about to say so many “No”s that will see you so much more uncomfortable and upset. You and me both.

But maybe Daddy’s right, maybe by weaning you I can help both him and me, too. And that will ultimately help you, right?

I hope so because right now I feel helpless and hopeless and a complete aching, breaking fucking mess.

Because now my breasts are just brackets.

(I’ve always loved brackets.

For what’s between, what’s behind, for what’s not really needed but maybe wanted. To give a bit extra and go that but further.

I live for the extra bits.

Life was literally given by my tits.

But I hate that word, never been a fan. Probably made up by a man.

My boobs. My milk. “Mummy’s milk”, my daughter called it. “Bilk time”, my son couldn’t quite say it. So cute. My little milk makers for my little milk monsters.

I remember a midwife in my first antenatal class saying the packaging reveals nothing about the product and, as a small busted woman, feeling so relieved.

I felt even happier when my modest containers produced the best liquid gold that gave both my babies the biggest gains; they grew and thrived so fast and so well. And still are. And still will.

(.) (.)

Brackets.

My breasts, now, are {just} brackets.)

Where?

Airbnb: Ocean View Oasis Sellicks Beach